


Blood and Bourbon

by LavenderAndSnow



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 10:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21097784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavenderAndSnow/pseuds/LavenderAndSnow
Summary: May tried to deal with her feelings for Coulson before he married Audrey.





	Blood and Bourbon

1.0

She locked herself in the cold basement gym and started to punch the sandbag repeatedly. _Violently_. She wasn’t training. She was _lashing out_.

She punched without gloves or bandages. She punched until her knuckles were numb. She didn’t feel pain until she saw the scarlet blood smears on the black sandbag. Then the copper scent rushed into her nose, making her stop.

She felt nauseous in her stomach. Suddenly the mixture of blood and bourbon was too much.

She was afraid if she stopped for a second the pain inside of her would tear her heart apart.

Then she heard some loud ponding on the door. Hard.

“Melinda!”

The anger in that voice was obvious.

“Open up!”

Moments passed.

“I’m not going anywhere, you know.” The younger agent’s voice softened a bit.

She opened the door eventually—_reluctantly_, and immediately turned away from him. The old squeaky sound of the door seemed extreme loud in this awkward silence.

Grant Ward stood there looking at her back. _God, she looked like a real mess_. All these years at SHILED, May had shown better self-control than probably anyone he had ever met, but not at this moment. It is the most uptight one who collapses the hardest.

He looked at the bourbon bottle in his hand but judging by the ripe scent of liquor in the room he figured she has had enough tonight.

Without any words, he recognized the bone-crushing pain which nearly suffocated her. He wondered if he was the only one who knew----the two young scientists were too awkward at reading people and the hacker, though perceptive at times, simply lacked the experience in life.

She finally turned around. He met her swallowed eyes and witnessed the tears dropping down her cheeks uncontrollably. She didn’t know if she can make it through another day.

2.0

All the bourbon she took had made her numb and drowsy. May laid down on her bunk and wrapped the blanket around her tightly. Could it be the excessive alcohol? She fell asleep within minutes—she had been exhausted, both mind and body.

The next thing she knew was the chilling coldness before dawn. The bourbon had worn off and she was as clear-minded as ever. She felt her stomach hurt like hell from the lack of food and the leftover effects of bourbon. She felt hungry, but she did not have a tiny bit of appetite.

She looked outside of the window and saw the inky darkness. It made her feel safe a little bit. She wanted the dawn to come a little later, so she didn’t have to deal with the next day.

Coulson’s wedding will start in the morning. Thinking about this she felt something precious within her dying out little by little.

She turned around, trying to get this out of her mind. In this pre-dawn wake, silent and dark, Melinda May, for the very first time in many years, realized how pathetic she is.

She remembered the twisted feeling she experienced as she saw Coulson holding hands with Audrey. He was gentle and charming as she has always noticed. The happiness of an impending marriage swept away all of the fatigue and worry he had while they were risking their lives on one mission after another. There’s Audrey—her eyes filled with unbelievable joy that Coulson was still alive. They walked and talked—his arm tucked around her waist in a protective gesture as if he was afraid she would be taken away from him again. Her hands cupped his face tightly as she kissed him. The diamond ring on her finger was shiny and bright.

May watched them for a brief moment. It must be only seconds before she turned away and got to the building was other agents. However, all those loving sunny details dug into her heart like heated iron imprint. The second she entered the cold dark basement she leaned against the wall to prevent herself from falling apart.

_Has she really gone this far?_

She was supposed to feel happy for Coulson. And she did, genuinely feeling happy for him. But she also felt pain, the overwhelming waves of agony slowly carving her heart out like a knife.

As much as she tried to deny it, she loved Coulson. That love was not sudden. It sprouted from years and years of trust, friendship, fighting with and for each other, and being willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to complete each other, like how she killed herself inside to let go of the one true love of her life.

The cold morning air from the window pulled her back into the present. May finally sat up and got out of bed.

3.0

She’s going to need some coffee. May has always hated the dark bitter liquid—too invasive, strong, but not restraint enough. She prefers something powerful but subtle, like tea. Given the unusualness of this hangover, something invasive might be the right fix.

The hot steam and the bitter taste were so comforting, almost in a hurtful way. She weirdly enjoyed the moment when the steaming liquid burned all the way inside of her.

Sitting there quietly, she thought about the twenty-five years of entangled history she had with Phil.

“Hey, you want to go study for the next test tomorrow?” He said when they were in the academy. She was that free-spirited young recruit with talent who didn’t care for tests and he was that teacher’s pet who wanted to help.

“Good luck……and take care.” He said the night before her first mission. He gave her a hug. She rolled her eyes.

“He is into you, you know? That psychologist. What’s his name again?” He said when May was getting ready for her date with Andrew. She put on her pearl earrings. He looked attentively as she put on that iconic red lipstick she liked.

Those memories flashed quickly in her mind and she started to feel dizzy. Her head was heavy and part of her resisted to go on and live this day. The part of her has always loved him. The part of her she never thought would survive after these years and grow into this gashing wound she couldn’t heal.

Morning light came through the windows, bringing her back into reality.

She took another sip. The coffee was already ice cold.

She was afraid. She reached out to the bourbon bottle on the table.

(The end.)

**Author's Note:**

> This piece explores the love and desire of Melinda May—what if Coulson did not end up being with her? There are so much we do not know about their backstories. I also kept the original team members—Ward had a special dynamic with May I want to touch on here. This can be read as an alternative to the plot.   
Originally posted on fanfiction this summer.


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